Tending the Flames: Navigating Conflict in a Twin Flame Marriage

As I turn 45 this week, I realize something significant—I've now spent more of my life with my husband Peter than without him. That feels like a major milestone. Over the years, we've faced more than our share of conflict, and we've grown through every bit of it. While some days feel like smooth sailing, others feel like navigating a wildfire. But the beauty in our relationship isn’t about avoiding the flames—it’s about learning how to manage them together.

A fun fact about us: Enneagram 4 & 9

He’s an Enneagram 9, and I’m a 4. We were almost born on the same day! I arrived two weeks early, and Peter was two weeks late. Maybe that’s my intensity and his chill from day 1.

In an Enneagram Type 4 (The Individualist) and Type 9 (The Peacemaker) relationship, the tension often stems from how differently we handle emotions, conflict, and self-expression. As a 4, I’m introspective and crave emotional depth, authenticity, and open expression, even if it means wading into intense feelings. Peter, as a 9, avoids conflict and emotional intensity, striving for peace above all else. This contrast creates friction: I sometimes feel like he’s disengaged emotionally, while he can feel overwhelmed by my intensity.

Type 9s tend to avoid confrontation in the name of peace, which frustrates someone like me, who values meaningful conversations and wants to resolve underlying issues. Peter’s tendency to sidestep conflict can leave me feeling like he doesn’t care. Meanwhile, my drive to confront the issue can feel unsettling to him, even disruptive to the harmony he seeks.

This dynamic—my desire for emotional connection and his need for peace—can lead to misunderstandings, with me feeling unseen and Peter feeling pressured.

Serve that up for a weekday supper. Better yet, pack the car for a family road trip, and you’ve got a recipe for conflict.

Peter and I married young, growing up in a culture that emphasized finding "The One." We spent our early years hoping to meet our soulmate, and when we found each other, it was as if everything fell into place. No pressure, right?

The idea of a soulmate traces back to ancient Greek philosophy, especially Plato’s "Symposium." According to the myth, humans originally had four arms, four legs, and two faces. Zeus split them in two, and ever since, we’ve been searching for our other half—their "soulmate." This connection feels like a "coming home," a sense of warmth, comfort, and compatibility.

But what if you and your soulmate were supposed to arrive together, but one came two weeks early and the other two weeks late? This feels more like a twin flame situation.

The concept of twin flames emerged later and is linked to mystical and esoteric beliefs about the soul’s journey and spiritual awakening. Unlike a soulmate, who complements you, a twin flame is thought to mirror you—reflecting both your light and your shadows. Meeting your twin flame can bring intense emotions and experiences, pushing you toward personal growth and self-awareness. The purpose of this connection is to ignite inner transformation, often through challenges that lead to profound healing and evolution.

Peter and I are twin flames—or at least, I think so.

We both love camping, but on our last trip, our differences were laid bare right on the side of the road. We weren’t on great terms—our different paces and priorities in life often collide, and camping tends to push all our buttons. This trip was no different. As we packed up and headed out, we went the wrong way and had to turn around. On the way back, I saw smoke rising from an empty campsite’s fire pit. The fire was reigniting with no one around, so Peter pulled in, and we worked together to put it out. He poured water while I stirred the coals, but it wasn’t easy—those coals were deep, and the wind kept fanning the flames back to life.

It reminded me of our argument the night before. Both of us had hot coals that might have cooled on their own, but sometimes the fire is too hot, and you don’t realize how much heat is left until the next day. Peter apologized later, better than I did, which was like him pouring water on my fire. But as we talked, he’d poke at the coals, and more would flare up—sometimes he had water to pour, sometimes he didn’t. We went back and forth pouring water and poking coals but neither of us were feeling any better.

What I’m learning about repair—something I teach my clients but struggle to practice myself BECAUSE IT’S HARD! —is that it’s a process.

Repair has to be specific, situational, and behavior-based.

As the one asking for repair, I have to say, "This spot is hot—can you pour water here?" Bonus points if we can say thanks before something new flares up. We have to poke carefully, making sure all the hot spots get attention, but it takes mindfulness. When Peter pokes and another flame sparks up, it shows us both there’s still more to address, and he can pour water on it. Back and forth.

Repair also requires breaks.

We need to cool down, get more water, and come back later. When it’s his turn to be the fire, I hold the water. I pour it where it’s needed, and if new coals flare up, I pour again. The key is that we both stay calm, take in each other’s efforts, and keep taking turns. It’s a work in progress, but I feel like we’re on the right track.

Relationships—whether with soulmates, twin flames, or anyone in between—come with conflict. Tools like the Enneagram can help us understand why we react the way we do, and couples therapy is an invaluable resource. It offers a safe space to communicate, repair, and manage conflict in healthier ways. Therapy helps us recognize our triggers, break patterns, and create habits that foster growth rather than intensify conflict. It’s not about avoiding the heat, but learning how to manage it without burning each other.

If you and your partner are finding it hard to manage conflict or feel stuck in unhelpful patterns, reaching out for support can make all the difference. At A New Way, we offer couples therapy designed to help you navigate the challenges of your relationship with more understanding, compassion, and practical tools. Don’t wait for the flames to get out of control—invest in your relationship today. Reach out to A New Way and take the first step toward healthier communication and deeper connection.