Why We See the Worst in Our Partners (and How to Stop)
Have you ever found yourself thinking, “They’re so selfish” or “They never listen”? Those thoughts tend to stick, shaping how we see our partners—not as their whole selves, but as defined by their most frustrating traits.
In relationships, it’s common to fall into this trap. Terry Real talks about normal marital hatred, a tongue-in-cheek way to describe those moments of intense irritation that even the healthiest couples experience. Similarly, David Schnarch describes this dynamic as marital sadism, where we derive a kind of bitter satisfaction from judging or resenting our partner’s shortcomings.
Why We Create These Narratives
Our brains are wired to make sense of the world by creating stories, but these stories aren’t always accurate. Social psychology calls this attribution theory: we tend to blame a person’s character (internal factors) for their behavior while ignoring the external circumstances that might explain it.
For example:
When your partner forgets to pick up groceries, you think, “They’re irresponsible” instead of “They’ve been juggling a lot this week.”
When they snap at you, you think, “They’re so inconsiderate” instead of “Maybe they had a rough day.”
Over time, these judgments solidify into rigid narratives. Instead of seeing your partner as a multifaceted individual, you might start viewing them through a narrow lens: “the selfish one,” “the lazy one,” or “the stubborn one.”
The Cost of Negative Narratives
These patterns can create a disconnect in your relationship. When we lock onto our partner’s flaws, we not only diminish them in our eyes but also rob ourselves of the opportunity to foster empathy and intimacy.
How to Break the Cycle
Here are a few ways to shift your perspective:
Pause Before Reacting
Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask yourself: “What might they be going through right now?” This simple question can open the door to compassion.Challenge the Narrative
Notice when your mind says “always” or “never.” These absolutes rarely reflect the full picture. Replace “They always forget” with “Sometimes they forget,” which leaves room for grace.Communicate from Curiosity
Instead of accusing, try asking. For example, “I noticed you were quiet at dinner—what’s going on?” This invites dialogue rather than defensiveness.Remember the Bigger Picture
Everyone has flaws, and those imperfections are only part of who they are. Make a habit of focusing on your partner’s strengths and the ways they show up for you.
How Therapy Can Help
If you find it difficult to shift these narratives or feel stuck in cycles of blame and resentment, therapy can provide a supportive space to unpack these patterns. Working with a therapist helps you:
Understand the underlying dynamics in your relationship.
Build tools to communicate with compassion and clarity.
Learn to challenge rigid narratives and replace them with more balanced perspectives.
Therapy isn’t about pointing fingers; it’s about fostering deeper connection, empathy, and understanding between you and your partner.
Rewriting Your Relationship Story
Schnarch and Real remind us that frustration and resentment are normal parts of long-term relationships, but they don’t have to define them. The key is to notice when you’re creating unhelpful narratives and to actively work toward seeing your partner as a whole, imperfect person—just like you.
By shifting your perspective and practicing compassion, you can strengthen the bond you share, even in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.